Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Junk Mail

Since starting this blog the cathedrals of sound e:mail address has been swamped with junk mail. I am now a multi millionaire due to luckily winning loads of lottery draws that I hadn't entered, I've helped many a dying woman find a good cause for her millions away from the clutches of her family and any concerns in the bedroom have long since left me due to endless offers of penis enhancements and viagra I've taken up. However the one I received in june is pretty unique. I'll quote it in full

This is the only way i can get in touch with you for now, this may sound surprissing to you it's nothing but fact. I have been assigned so terminate you by someone I beleive you call a friend with some reason listed to me but i have been watching over you for a while and i see that you are innocent of the accusations level against you. Do not inform police or try to send a copy of this to them because if you do I will know and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.
Besides, I pity you to betrayed my job and i want you to help yourself. Now listen, you will pay the sum of five thounsand dollars ($5,000) so that i can cancel the mission and I will arrange a meeting with you to see face to face. I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extended to your family member and i will also warn you not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my client is in my control now. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part payment of $3,000 first, which will serve as gurantee that you are ready to co-orperate,after this i will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against the person before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $2,000 once you receive the tape.

Warning: do not contact the police and make sure you keep this to yourself until you finally get the recorded video tape from me,if you neglect any of these warnimgs, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately.

Note: I will advise you to keep this within yourself alone, not even a friend or a family member should know about it, because he could be one of them,You are warned.

Glad to know this friendly assassin has my best interests at heart!


  1. hilariously insane, even riddled with spelling errors!
    I think you should meet him n ram a dictionary up his .....

  2. My favourite bit is the "Now Listen..."

    Death by dictionary ..now that is a thought

  3. The contract was probably placed by someone who knows about all the millions you have won in the West African Lotteries recently.

  4. the stress of being a multi millionaire!

  5. You've not exactly kept it within yourself as request have you Davy boy?
    You therefore deserve the termination that was extended towards your vicinity.
    Now listen, I am in fact that terminator and you have one last chance to get the $3,000 to me at a mutually agreed secret destination unbenoun to both of us. I must warm you that I'm all trained up I have recently watched 'The American' and that new Mission Impassible one two. Show me the mony or this first blog will be the last you ever wrote.
    You have been warmed...
    Your anonymousely...

  6. I'll only pay up if you also promise me never ending sexual drive , a guaranteed lottery win, a sure fire investment in nigerian govt shares and a nice girl who really wants to be my friend


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